


The One With the Baby Dolls

by AgreedEquation



Category: Cricket RPF
Genre: Gen, Humour, No Slash, shits and giggles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-04-25 21:11:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4976683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgreedEquation/pseuds/AgreedEquation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the players have been paired up and are given a baby doll to look after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alastair and Jimmy

**Author's Note:**

> This one's for [allrounderinsane](http://archiveofourown.org/users/allrounderinsane/pseuds/allrounderinsane) for giving me the idea and for being such a lovely person <3\. Hope you like it.

Welcome to Dubai. As previously mentioned during a briefing session, you will be taking care of a baby doll for the entire length of the tour. You will take care of this doll _together_ , as a pair. There will be _no_ exceptions.

How to keep your baby doll alive:

  *       Feed it regularly. If your baby is hungry, it will cry. In order to feed the baby, fill the synthetic breast with water. Put the nipple in your baby’s mouth and squeeze the breast gently so the water flows into the baby’s mouth. The doll does not require feeding during the night.
  *       Pay attention to your baby. Sensors inside the doll will feel when the baby is moving and being held (and how it is held). It will cry when it is being handled incorrectly.
  *       Change the baby’s diaper. Feeding the baby doll will cause it to urinate. A clean baby is a happy baby.
  *       The doll can be left on its own during training sessions, meals and briefings. At any other time it should be accompanied by at least one of its carers.



If your baby dies, you will have failed the exercise. Failing the exercise does _not_ excuse you of taking care of the baby doll for the rest of the tour. It will simply be reset and the exercise will start over. Various members of the coaching staff will check your baby doll at regular intervals. Both carers of the doll will be disciplined if:

  *       They fail to present the doll.
  *       The baby doll is poorly looked after (e.g. hygiene, absence of clothing, etc).
  *       The baby doll has ‘died’.
  *       The doll has been damaged. Needless to say these dolls are not cheap, so the board urges you on to look after it in a proper manner. Damage to the dolls will not be tolerated.



Your first task as parent of your baby doll will be to name your baby.

The goal of this exercise is to improve your skills as a team. Work together to keep your baby doll happy and healthy. Good luck and have fun.

-

When they arrived at the hotel, everything was perfect. Their rooms were luxurious and even more importantly _air-conditioned_. The bus that had driven them from the airport to the hotel was nothing more than a sauna on wheels, so the cool air inside the hotel was much appreciated.

“This has to be one of the nicest hotels we’ve ever stayed at,” Alastair stated as he and Jimmy entered their room. “Jeez, just look at the size of the room. This is _amazing_.”

Jimmy’s attention however was not drawn to the pristine beds or the comfortable couch in the corner of the room, nor the large bathroom. No, he instantly noticed the large blue box on the table by the window. He picked up the letter that was lying next to it and quickly read it through. “You have got to be kidding me,” he said as put down the letter and looked at the box instead “There are fake tits in this box.”

Alastair was standing at the other side of the room, struggling with his bags. “What?” he asked, quickly turning around at the mention of tits. “There are tits where?”

“You remember some of the coaches talking about giving us a doll to take care of? As some sort of crazy bonding exercise?” Jimmy showed the box with the doll to Alastair. “We’ve got a kid and we have to breastfeed it.”

Alastair took a step closer to Jimmy, took the box from him and read the text on the front. “The Breastmilk Baby is specially designed to teach the importance of natural breastfeeding.” Sure enough the box contained a bra with a silicone nipple attached to for the ‘baby’ to drink from. The bra could be filled with water so the doll could be ‘fed’ from it. “What kind of weird people are we working with?” he mumbled to himself as he inspected all of the contents of the box: one lifelike baby doll that drank, cried and peed, a pacifier, nappies and yes, fake breasts (nipples included).

“I’m not doing this. Carry the thing around, sure. They’ve given us more idiotic exercises than that before, but I’m not wearing the fake tits.”

Alastair sighed and put the box on his bed. Ignoring the coaching staff would only piss them off. He opened the box and took the doll out, nearly dropping it when it blinked at him. “Creepy.”

Meanwhile Jimmy busied himself with reading the instructions they had received once more. “We have to name it. _You_ have to name it. I’m not getting involved in this.” He threw the letter on the bedside table and sighed.

“It’s staring at me.” Alastair scrunched his nose at the doll. “Come on, help me find a name for it. You have to, whether you want it or not.”

Jimmy groaned and looked down at the doll that was now lying on Alastair’s pillow. “Is it a boy or a girl?” he asked. He was going to regret this. It would start with coming up with a name and it would probably end up with him wearing fake tits to give fake breastmilk to a fake baby. The things he did for his country.

Alastair peeked inside the doll’s pants. “It’s got a penis,” he announced. “Congrats, we’ve got a son.”

“Okay, so a boy’s name for an ugly fake baby.” Jimmy sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled down the pants of the baby doll. “With a tiny penis. I’m naming him Swanny.”

“That’s not a proper name.” Alastair swatted at Jimmy’s hand that was still holding the doll’s pants down. “Let’s go for Graeme.”

Jimmy grinned widely and nodded. “Excellent idea.” He picked up the doll and held it out in front of him. “Welcome to the world Graeme. I’m your dad and I hate you.”

“Don’t be like that,” Alastair said, elbowing Jimmy’s side. “We have to do this so we may as well make the best of it.” Sure the entire exercise was ridiculous, but maybe if they put some effort into it, they could have some fun.

“Really?” Jimmy took the bra out of the box and offered it to Alastair. “Then I think it’s time you fed our little Graeme. Don’t want him to go hungry.”

Alastair shrugged his shoulders in response. “Fine. You hold him while I fill this with water.” He snatched the bra from Jimmy and stood up. He knew Jimmy was trying to bully him into abandoning the exercise, but he was not going to let him do that. Even if that meant he had to _breastfeed_ a baby doll.

Jimmy laughed loudly. “Yeah, you do that. Go fill up your tits.”

Refusing to let Jimmy win this battle, Alastair did exactly that. When he came back from the bathroom with one of the breasts filled with water, Jimmy was sitting on the bed, the doll resting on his lap. “He’s awake and waiting for you,” he announced with a large smirk still playing on his lips.

Without saying another word, Alastair took the doll and stuffed the nipple into its mouth.

“You’re supposed to _wear_ the tits, mate,” Jimmy said, shaking his head. That was not _fair_. He had already put his phone’s camera on standby to capture Alastair wearing the bra. A picture like that would be priceless. “That’s cheating.”

“It doesn’t say that in the letter. It just says we have to feed it.” Alastair squeezed the breast to get the water into the doll’s mouth. When the breast was about half empty, he stopped and tossed it aside. “There. Happy now?”

“No. This is still stupid.” Jimmy huffed and decided he had seen enough of the doll. His efforts to talk Alastair out of the project didn’t get much of a result. He’d have to try again later. “I’m going to unpack.” He took his bag and unzipped it, but his attention was quickly drawn back to Alastair and the doll when he heard his friend curse. “What? Is our little Graeme acting out? I suggest we put him in the closet.”

“He isn’t wearing a nappy. He pissed his pants and on mine.” Alastair held the doll out in front of him and sure enough, water was leaking through its pants.

“I take back everything I said about our little Graeme.” Jimmy laughed loudly and clapped his hands like an overexcited seal. “This is amazing.”

“Fuck off.” Alastair stood up and held the doll in front of Jimmy. “Clean him up while I put on clean pants. And give him a nappy.” When Jimmy didn’t take the doll from him, he laid it down on the bed. “Fine, don’t. Let him piss on your bed then.”

“Hey!” Jimmy protested and quickly lifted the doll. It was just water, but he didn’t want his bed to get wet. “Fine. You did feed him after all,” he agreed, getting up and walking over to the table in the corner of the room. He would do this _once_ , to keep Alastair happy. “Toss me a nappy.”

-

“Ali!” Jimmy shouted at the bathroom door. “The doll is making a noise!” He stared at the doll, which was lying on the table in a makeshift bed (a shoebox). “Make it stop!”

“I’m naked. You do it. It’s a _team_ exercise.” Alistair shouted back. He was fully dressed and sitting on the edge of the bathtub with his phone, going through his e-mails. “Just pick him up and cradle him or something. And check if he has peed yet. I fed him while you were showering.”

“So what if he has peed? It’s just water. He’s wearing a nappy now, so it’s okay.” Jimmy stepped away from the doll and sat down on his bed instead. _Fuck_ the doll, he thought to himself as he picked up the magazine he had been reading.

“If he’s wearing a dirty nappy when they check on us, we’ll get disciplined,” Alastair answered. He sighed and contemplated leaving the bathroom. He wanted Jimmy to take care of the doll for a while, but if he didn’t they would both get disciplined. Through the door, he could hear the doll crying. “Don’t be a dick and just do it.”

Jimmy tried to ignore the cries coming from the doll as he made an attempt to read. “Please, Ali, come and make the thing stop. I don’t care if you’re naked.”

“I’m shaving now,” Alastair lied. “Don’t want to get shaving cream all over the place.” If he was going to give in to Jimmy’s whining now, he’d end up taking care of the doll on his own for the rest of the tour.

With a grumble, Jimmy put down his book and stood up again. “This is not happening.” He picked up the doll and held it in his arms. He slowly cradled it, hoping the movement would make the doll stop crying. After a minute or so, the went completely silent.

“Sweet.” Jimmy put the doll back in the shoebox and was about to turn around when the crying started once more. “For fuck’s sake. What do you want?” He picked it up again and this time he took it with him. He sat down with his back against the headboard of the bed and pulled up his legs. Then he leaned the doll against his legs, swaying them from the left to the right. The movement silenced the doll, as he had hoped it would. “Good, now keep your mouth shut so I can read.”

When Alastair finally came out of the bathroom, he couldn’t help but smile at Jimmy. He was holding the baby doll in his arms while watching the television. “I see you’ve been bonding with Graeme.”

“Piss off.” Jimmy glared at Alastair. “He wouldn’t keep quiet and since you were spending ages trying to make yourself look presentable, I had to take it upon myself to shut him up.”

“Still grumpy then,” Alastair stated, dropping himself next to Jimmy. “Come on, give him to me. I’ll change his nappy and then we can get ourselves some breakfast. Maybe you’ll be nicer once you’ve had some coffee.”

Jimmy started feeling guilty for being such an arse to Alastair. It wasn’t his fault they had to take care of the doll. “Thanks,” he replied, offering his friend a smile.


	2. Joe and Jos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jos and Joe find their baby doll. Joe is delighted, Jos not so much, but that may be the hangover speaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your comments on the first chapter! You guys are so sweet <3

“Hey, Jos, look! I’ve got boobs!” Of course the first thing Joe had noticed when they had entered their room was the baby doll and everything that came with it. Joe had wasted no time putting on the bra. “The letter says we need to fill them with water so that when the baby drinks from it, it’ll pee. That is so cool!” There seemed to be absolutely nothing in the world that was able to keep a lid on Joe’s ever-lasting enthusiasm. “I want to try this. You know when I was a kid, I always wanted one of those peeing dolls. Never got one because my mom said it was for girls.”

Jos simply raised an eyebrow, completely lost for words at the sight in front of him. He had absolutely no idea what was going on. Was Joe really wearing a bra? His mind was still hazy from the night before and the long flight. “Sure. You’re weird. _That doll_ is weird.” Why was there even a doll in the room? “Where did you get that thing?” He was _so_ confused.

“We have to take care of it. Idea from the ECB,” Joe explained, waving the letter in front of Jos’ nose. “Should be heaps of fun.” He took the doll out of the box and cradled it in his arms. “Isn’t she beautiful?” he asked, gently caressing the doll’s cheek with his index finger. “Or he,” he quickly added. He pulled down the doll’s pants to check the sex. “She. We have a daughter! Isn’t that lovely?” He took a few steps closer to his teammate so he could take a proper look at the doll too. “What should we call her?”

“I don’t know. You pick a name.” Jos hovered over the doll and then poked it to which the doll responded by babbling. “Fuck me, it makes noises too?”

“ _She_ does.” Joe nodded with a bright smile. This was going to be _hilarious_ , he thought to himself. He couldn’t wait to see the other guys with their dolls. “What about Daenerys?”

“You want to name the doll after a Game of Thrones character?” Jos asked, raising an eyebrow. The entire situation was too ridiculous for him to comprehend. “Whatever,” he added, raising his hands. “I don’t care.” His head was pounding and he felt sick. He was so not ready for any of this.

As if on cue, the doll started crying. “Oh, don’t you listen to Daddy Jos. He’s had way too much to drink yesterday. He’s a really nice person, you’ll see for yourself soon. He just needs to sleep off his hangover. I’ll have to take care of both of you tonight.” He gently rocked the doll in his arms, but it didn’t stop crying. “I think she’s hungry.”

Jos simply groaned and dropped himself on his bed, burying his face in the pillow. “I just want to sleep. Please make it stop crying.”

“ _Her_.” Joe carefully put down the doll and then he stood up. “She may be hungry. I’ll take care of her now, but you’re having a go at it tomorrow. I am not going to be a single dad.” He looked over at Jos’ bed and couldn’t stop himself from smiling when he saw the other man had already fallen asleep. “Just me and you then, Dany.”

-

“I see you’ve changed your mind about our daughter.” Joe had just woken up and had found Jos sitting on the sofa in the corner of their room with their baby doll in his arms. “I knew you would.”

“I felt like shit yesterday, you can’t really blame me for hating everything that made a noise,” Jos replied, looking at Joe. A proper night’s rest had done him well. His headache had disappeared and he didn’t feel like throwing up anymore.

“Mind your language in front of the child.”

Jos snorted and shook his head. “Now you’re getting carried away. It’s a doll, it can’t hear me.” He would look after the doll, but he was not going to pretend it was an actual child. There were limits to what he would do for the team.

Joe pushed away his bed sheets and rubbed his eyes. “How is she?”

“Fed and cleaned, so she’s ready to take a nap while we have breakfast,” Jos announced as he stood up. He put the doll down on one of the pillows on his bed.

“We should give her a blanket,” Joe said and headed into the bathroom to fetch a towel. “This should do.” He put the towel over the doll’s body, smiling down at his ‘daughter’. “We’re so going to ace this exercise.”

Jos slung an arm around Joe’s shoulder and smiled. “I don’t think this is about acing an exercise. They just want us to behave responsibly and closely work together on something other than cricket.”

“Well, then we’re going to ace being pretend dads, won’t we?” Joe asked, looking at Jos now. He was lucky to have been paired with him, he thought.

“Yeah.” Jos nodded and gave Joe’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Now get dressed so we can go down for breakfast, _dad_. I’m starving.”

-

Joe had been sitting on his bed with the doll, his phone, a magazine and a can of soda. That was not a good idea. He spilled his drink all over the doll when he tried to get into a more comfortable position. “We’re going to have to wash her clothes and bathe her. She’s all sticky,” he told Jos once he had examined the damage he had done. “Sorry, love, didn’t mean to spill this all over you.”

“I’ll get the clothes, you get Dany.” Jos was getting into this way too easily. The whole thing didn’t feel as awkward as he had first thought it would. Sure, they were grown men looking after a baby doll, but it was a nice distraction from the game and he got to spend some quality time with one of his best mates. He headed into the bathroom, Joe following him with the doll in his arms.

“I’ll take the sink for the clothes,” Jos told Joe, waiting for his friend to remove the clothes from the doll. “They should have given us some extra clothes. And before you say something: _no_ , we are not going shopping for baby clothes.”

Joe looked at Jos, pouting. “Wouldn’t it be awesome if we got her something cool to wear.” He took off the tiny green sweater first and then her trousers. “I could ask my mum to send us something from when I was a baby. She’s kept all of that stuff, you know.” He removed the diaper and tossed it in the wastebasket. “Or we could get her an England kit. She’d be so cute!”

“ _No_.” Jos filled up the sink with hot water to wash the clothes in. He wondered what Joe was going to do when they had to give the doll back. Hopefully he got bored of it before that because he really didn’t want to see his friend’s heart getting broken by a baby doll.

They weren’t supposed to submerge the dolls into water, so Joe took a washing cloth to clean it. “She should have at least two sets of clothing,” he said while rubbing the doll’s face with the cloth. “What are we going to do with her while the clothes dry? We can’t just leave her all naked. It’s not decent.”

“We can wrap her in a towel,” Jos answered and immersed the clothes in the warm, soapy water. It would be nicer if they got her an extra set of clothes, but he knew that buying her (oh God, now he was thinking of the doll as a _her_? He was so screwed) one set of clothes would lead to so much more. It was safer if they just kept things as they were.

Jos completely budged about an hour later. Joe, of course, had gone online to check out baby clothes and he had found the cutest little dress. It was a pink, lace dress with a sparkling little belt with a bow at the front. Afterwards, he reasoned with himself that ithad only cost 20 pounds and it would make things easier for them. He hadn’t bought it because it was _cute_ , neither because Joe’s face had lit up like a Christmas tree when he had found it, no he had bought it because it was cheap and the extra set of clothes would come in handy. Yes, that was the _only_ reason why he did it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone forgot about the team pic from when they arrived in the UAE and Jos looked like he had had a really, really good time the night before, [here](http://agreedequation.tumblr.com/post/130263914941/bibliolicious-plumjaffas-twistsofsilver) it is again.


	3. Mark and Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Ben's turn! Mark is absolutely delighted with the baby doll task. Ben is surprisingly good at it.

Mark took the doll out of the box, holding it by one of its legs. “Wow, it looks so real,” he said, dangling it in front of his face. The doll promptly started crying when the sensors inside it felt that it was being held in a wrong position.

Ben laughed and took the doll from Mark. He rested it in the crook of his arm and gently cradled it. “This is how you’re supposed to hold a baby.” The doll stopped crying and closed its eyes. “See?” he sat down on one of the beds and stroked the doll’s hair. “Sleep tight, little one.”

Mark would be lying if he said he wasn’t surprised. He knew Ben had a soft side, hidden somewhere deep and far away, but he hadn’t expected it to surface because of a doll –a fucking doll. “Ooookay. You hold the kid while I unpack. You’re doing great, mate.”

“Sure, but I’m not going to do this on my own. We’re supposed to do this together,” Ben replied, reaching out for the letter explaining the exercise. He quickly read through it and then looked inside the box to find the accessories that had come with the doll. “I’ll hold it, you can breastfeed it later.”

“What?”

“How could you not notice the tits in the box?” Ben asked, fishing the breastfeed bra out of the box. He held it in front of Mark’s face, the fake nipple almost touching his nose. “The instructions say we have to breastfeed it to keep it alive. If we don’t, it’ll cry. To feed it, we have to fill the tits with water and let the doll drink from the nipple.” He looked at Mark, his eyebrows raised. This was not what he had signed up for when he joined the team.

Mark pulled his head away from the bra and started laughing. “Oh my God. Give it to me!” He snatched the bra from his friend’s hand and instantly put it on. “Boooobs!” he shouted and ran into the bathroom to fill the breasts with water. When he came back, he squished the nipple, making water squirt from it.

Ben stared at Mark, his mouth slightly agape. “This is so not happening. We play cricket for England. We won the Ashes.” He carefully put down the doll. “Things are supposed to be more glamorous than this. Definitely more glamorous than you squirting water from your tit on me.”

“You said it, we play cricket for England. The ECB are a bunch of crazy bastards,” Mark replied as he looked down at the doll. “We need to name the little guy. Or gal. Which one is it?” he got closer to Ben and put his hand inside the doll’s pants. “It’s got a cock.”

“Pedophile.”

“I was just checking.” Mark withdrew his hand and stared at the baby doll, trying to come up with a name for it. “Mark Benjamin Junior. MJ.”

Ben laughed and held the doll out in front of him. “MJ. Yeah, good name.” He nodded and handed the doll back to Mark. “You’re the one with the tits, you feed him.”

Mark shrugged his shoulders. Some people might find it embarrassing to walk around wearing fake breasts and breastfeeding a baby doll, but he thought it was the best idea the ECB had ever had (that and recruiting him, of course). “Sure. Come here, my son.” His grin almost stretched from ear to ear as he took the doll and sat down on the sofa with it. “There’s a good lad,” he said, pressing the silicone nipple into the doll’s mouth.

That’s when Ben lost it. He doubled over laughing, pounding his fists on the mattress of his bed. Tears of laughter trailed down his cheeks when he looked up.

“What, never saw a bloke breastfeed a baby before?” Mark asked, doing his best to keep a straight face. “You better get used to it.”

-

“Oh come on, please, Stokesy?” Joe begged, giving Ben his best sad-puppy eyes. “If you look after Dany tonight. I’ll look after MJ tomorrow night or any other night you want.” He really wanted to watch the footy and have a few beers with some of the other lads. They all had found someone to look after their doll (or at least said they had. Joe suspected that Steve and Finny just put theirs in a closet. He should report them to child services, really).

Ben pretended to mull over the offer in his mind, but he had already made his decision. He would look after Joe and Jos’ doll, just like he was looking after Alastair and Jimmy’s (Graeme), Stuart and Steven’s (Cornelius), James and Alex’s (Yolo), and his own. They had all offered to look after his doll whenever he wanted (Alastair had even offered him two nights in return). He would look after all those dolls for one night and get five doll-free nights in return. “Okay, I’ll do it. But you seriously owe me.”

“Yes! Thanks, mate!” Joe patted Ben’s arm, smiling brightly. Finally a night off! “Here she is. I’ll pick her up tomorrow morning.” He handed over the doll and quickly walked off, before Ben could change his mind.

-

Jimmy was the last one to drop off his doll at their hotel room. “Ali told me you were willing to take the kid for the night,” he said, entering Mark and Ben’s room. “Seems like you’ve got a full house,” he added when he saw the four dolls on one of the beds. “Not weird at all.”

“We’re just taking care of them for some of the other lads. We were staying in with our MJ anyway,” Ben answered, shrugging his shoulders.

“MJ? You’ve named your kid after Michael Jackson?” Jimmy asked, raising an eyebrow. “That is so wrong.” He shook his head and looked away from the doll. It was even uglier than theirs, he thought.

“No, why would we do that?”

“Mitchell Johnson then? That’s even stranger. Unless your kid’s an asshole, like ours.” Jimmy held Graeme out in front of him. “Speaking of which. Here he is, all yours for the night. Have fun.” He pressed the doll against Ben’s chest, squishing its face. “Bye!” He hurried out of the room, happy to be rid of the doll for the evening.

Ben put the doll on Mark’s bed, next to the others. “Okay, lads and lasses,” he started and rubbed his hands together. “This is what we’re going to do tonight. Me and my boy Mark here are going to feed you. You’re all going to be nice or you’ll be banned to the closet. After that you’re all going to sleep, so Mark and I can watch some telly, okay?”

The baby dolls stared at Ben at Mark, not one of them making a sound.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Mark said with a nod and clapped his hands. “You take Graeme, Cornelius and MJ. I’ll take the girls.” If they went about this the right way, they could have a quiet night in and for the next five days, they could call in baby-sitting favours from their teammates. “You know, you’re a lot smarter than you look, mate. I would never have come up with something like this.”

“I feel like I should say thank you, but I’m gonna go with ‘piss off’ instead.” Ben shoved the breastfeed bra into Mark’s hands. “You take the tits first. I’m going to check which movies are on.”

Mark smiled and skipped into the bathroom. He was having way more fun with this than he should be having. “I’m gonna try to feed them both at the same time. They can each have a boob,” he told Ben while he was filling up the bra with water. “It might get messy.”

“You’re really loving this, aren’t you?” Ben replied, shaking his head. Mark had to be one of the weirdest blokes he had ever met in his life.

“Which cup size do you think I have?” Mark returned from the bathroom, already wearing the bra. He cupped his ‘breasts’ and giggled.

“Not going to answer that question,” Ben replied from the sofa while flipping through the channels.

“I think without the water it’s just an A, but with the water it’s probably a B,” Mark mused, looking down at the bra. He sat down next to Ben. “Want to cop a feel?” he asked, trying his best to keep a straight face.

“Please stop talking.” Ben pressed his hand against Mark’s face, pushing him away.

Mark laughed and playfully hit Ben’s arm. “You’re right, we shouldn’t. Not in front of the kids.” He got up and walked over to the bed to pick up Daenerys and Yolo. “Come on girls. I hope you’re hungry.”

The rest of the night passed without too much trouble. All dolls were fed and their nappy was changed after they had peed. Ben had put some of the extra sheets and pillows in the bathtub and then put all the dolls in it to ‘sleep’. Except for MJ. Mark was still holding their own doll, rocking it in his arms while he watched TV.

By the time Ben had put all the dolls in the bathtub and made sure they were all sleeping, Mark had fallen asleep as well, MJ still resting in his arms. Ben took out his phone and snapped a quick photo of father and son. He grinned to himself as he looked at the picture. A little bit of blackmail material could always come in handy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last chapter that starts at the beginning of the exercise. The next parts will be set a bit further along in time. Hope you liked it! :)


	4. Steve and Stuart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Stuart's turn with the doll!

Having the baby dolls on the bus was an absolute nightmare. If one started crying, it created a chain reaction and pretty much every single doll from the front of the bus to the back would be crying in no time. Some of the coaching staff were starting to regret pushing through the idea of having the dolls (but they would never admit it, no matter how annoying the crying got).

When Stuart and Steve’s doll started crying only five minutes after they’d taken off, dozens of heads turned to where they were sitting. “Keep your kid, quiet!” Alex hissed from the seat behind Stuart. “Now, or they’re all gonna go off again.”

Stuart hurriedly took the doll in his arms and started cradling it. “Come on, Cornelius, don’t do this to me.” It didn’t help that it was only seven in the morning. “Be quiet.”

Next to him, Finny pulled out a backpack that now served as a diaper bag. “Here, maybe this’ll help.” He fished out the pacifier and handed it over to Stuart.

Stuart shoved the pacifier into the dolls mouth, a sigh of relief escaping his mouth as the dolls went silent almost instantly. “Good boy.” He patted the dolls head with his free hand.

It was quite a unique sight: a bus filled with grown men, a bunch of them holding baby dolls and trying their best to keep said dolls quiet.

“I swear I will throw all these dolls out of the window if they start crying,” Stuart said as he put Cornelius down on his lap. “This is ridiculous.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t like Cornelius,” Steve said, crossing his arms in front of his chest. At times when Stuart thought no one could see him, he’d sing lullabies to the doll. “I have video evidence of the contrary.”

“What kind of name is Cornelius, anyway,” Alex piped up from behind them. “You really couldn’t find anything that was more posh, could you?”

Steve turned around, shaking his head. “You named yours _Yolo_. If she was an actual child, she’d be bullied her entire life. You are not allowed to judge the name of anyone’s doll.”

Stuart turned around too, grinning. “Finny named him after a character from _Hello, Dolly!_ Some stupid film with Barbra Streishand,” he told Alex with a grin. “It was either that or Marius. But if I had allowed that, he’d be singing songs from Les Misérables all the time.”

“You like it when I sing.” Steve looked at Stuart, pouting.

“Yeah, but not when you sing the same songs over and over again.”

-

Something was wrong. Stuart could tell by taking just one quick look at Steve’s face. “What happened, mate?” he asked, resting his hand on his friend’s upper arm. “You look a bit gloomy.”

Steve looked down at his feet, not quite sure how to tell Stuart what had just happened. He was going to _kill_ him. “There’s been an accident.” It was his entire fault, really. His stupid long legs and his clumsiness had ruined everything.

Now Stuart was getting worried. Surely nothing would have happened with one of the lads? “What? You’re scaring me, Finny. Tell me what happened.”

“I killed him.” If anyone would ask him about it later, he would deny that tears were involved. He sniffed and then he took a deep breath. “I was just walking up the stairs with him. And then I stumbled. I fell on top of him. His head got caught between my chest and the stairs. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Who?” Stuart’s face went white as a sheet. One of the guys had died? Why hadn’t he heard the ambulance? Why wasn’t there a team meeting about this?

“Cornelius. I’m so sorry. His head was all squished. He won’t open his eyes.”

“For fuck’s sake, Finny.” Stuart let out a breath he had been holding. “I thought you were talking about one of the lads. You nearly gave me a heart attack.” The _doll_. The stupid doll had died.

“I’ll take the blame for it,” Steve went on, fumbling with the hem of his t-shirt. Who would give him the responsibility to look after a kid anyway? The entire idea had been stupid. “I’ll tell them I tripped over my own stupid feet and killed him.”

“Hey, mate.” Stuart gave Steve’s arm a gentle squeeze. “I’m sure it was just an accident.” He looked over Stuart’s shoulder and spotted the doll on the bed. “Are you sure he’s not just sleeping?” He really couldn’t care less if the doll had died, but it was clearly upsetting his friend and a pouting, miserable Finny was not something he liked to see.

Steve nodded and rubbed his face with his hands. “I’ve tried everything to get a reaction from him.”

Stuart walked over to the bed and picked up the doll. “Cornelius, buddy?” He shook the doll and prayed to God it would open its eyes or make a noise. The doll remained silent. Cornelius was no more. “Look, Finny. It’s just a doll and you didn’t do this on purpose.” He put the doll back on the bed and turned to his friend. “Cheer up. We’ll tell them tomorrow, so tonight we can have a doll-free evening. We can watch TV without shoving a fake nipple into a doll’s mouth at the same time.”

“But we failed. _I_ failed. We’ve had him for a week and he’s already dead.”

“You didn’t fail.” Stuart sighed deeply and picked up the doll once more. If the coaches could reset the thing, then he should be able to do it too, right? There were no visible buttons on the doll, but there _had_ to be a way. “Hey, why don’t you go have a shower? Relax a bit.” _Google_ , Stuart thought. If there was a way to reset the doll, then the internet would know how. “I’ll try to wake him up. Maybe the fall has messed with the sensors.”

Steve hummed in response. Maybe he was overreacting. Just a bit. But he did just kill their baby. The death of Cornelius meant that he and Stuart weren’t a good team, or at least that’s how others would see it. “Yeah, fine. Just let me know if something happens. I don’t care if I’m still in the shower, just tell me straight away.”

“Sure, Finny.” Stuart sent his friend a reassuring smile.

Once Steve was in the bathroom, Stuart grabbed his laptop and sat down on the bed, putting the doll down next to him. “All right internet, please don’t fail me,” he muttered to himself as he opened the web browser.

It didn’t take Stuart long to find the instructions to the doll. According to the website he had found, there was a small reset button just above the right ear of the doll. The hair covered it, which was why they hadn’t noticed it yet. To reset the doll, you simply had to press the button with a thin, pointed object. It reminded Stuart of the Tamagotchi he had when he was a kid. He used to carry it around all the time and he was always devastated when the thing died.

Stuart used a ballpoint pen to press the button and sighed in relief when the doll opened its eyes, almost instantly after he had reset it. “Finny!” he called. “He’s awake!” He quickly closed the website and put his laptop away. Stuart didn’t have to know that he really _did_ kill their doll. It would only hurt his self-confidence.

A minute later, Finny charged out of the bathroom, still wet and only a towel tucked around his waist to cover himself up. “Really?”

Stuart held the doll out in front of Steve. “Yeah. He’s fine, look.”

Steve took the doll and nested it in the crook of his arm. “Cornelius! Buddy! I’m so sorry for dropping you and falling on top of you.” He caressed the doll’s hair and then looked at Stuart. “I don’t know what you did, but you’re the best.” He smiled brightly as he walked over to his friend. “You’re the best dad ever.”


	5. James and Alex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Alex's turn!

“Alex, what did you do?” James scrunched his nose when he saw the inside of the nappy. It was _brown_. “What did you give her?”

“Oh my God, did it work?” Alex hurried towards James and the doll to take a look at the dirty nappy. This was the most interest he had shown towards the doll since they got it. “Does it look like she pooped?” he asked excitedly.

“Yes, sort of. _Why_ does it look like she pooped?”

“I gave her chocolate milk.” Alex took the dirty nappy, a wide grin playing on his face. “Awww, our poor baby has diarrhea. Do you reckon we could feed her chocolate pudding or something? To make it more solid?” He wasn’t particularly fond of the doll, but he had to admit that there was a lot of potential fun to be had.

James reached out for a clean nappy, shaking his head. “No. Even if she poops it out, some of it will stick to the insides of the doll and it’ll get all moldy after a while. _Don’t_ do it. ”

“You’re such a party pooper, Titch.”

“You know what?” James picked up the doll and walked over to his mate. “You take care of her tonight. I’m sick of doing this on my own.” He pressed the doll against Alex’s chest. “Take. Her.” He glared at Alex and pressed harder, making the doll cry.

Alex took the doll, slightly taken aback by James’ sudden outburst. “James, you can’t do this.”

“And all of the sudden you remember my actual name.” James walked out of the bathroom, fetched his phone, wallet and hotel keycard. “Quite funny how you always remember it when you need something.”

“Don’t be like that. You know I’m not good at this doll thing. She always cries when I hold her.”

“Now’s your chance to learn. We’re both supposed to be taking care of her. All you’ve done so far is name her and feed her some chocolate milk,” James said, already on his way to the door.

“You would have named her after your mom, that’s lame.” Alex cradled the doll in his arms, rather awkwardly, trying to calm her down. “Come on, don’t go.”

“You just insulted my mom. I’m going. And if she’s dead when I get back, I’m telling everyone it was your fault.” James opened the door and exited without looking back. He was so fed up with Alex dumping the doll with him all the time while he went out to hang out with the other lads. He had deserved some time off from the doll as well.

Alex sighed and looked at the doll. She was still crying and all he really wanted to do was throw the damned thing out of the window. But if he did that, James would kill him. So instead he sat down on his bed with the doll and cradled her in her arms, hoping that would be enough to keep her quiet. “Come on, girl, be quiet.”

After a short while, the doll finally stopped crying. “Thank God,” Alex muttered, putting the doll on a pillow. “So what do we do now?” he asked, looking down at his ‘daughter’. “You already ate and Titch changed your diaper.” The doll blinked her eyes. “How about some new clothes, huh? The ones you’re wearing look pretty boring.” The doll blinked again. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Alex stood up and took his bag off the floor. “Let’s see what we have.” Instead of taking out every item one by one, he turned over the bag and dumped everything in it on the bed. The things that were not useful to him ended up scattered on the floor, until he was left with just a few items of clothing: a training short, a scarf and a cap.

-

When James returned to his and Alex’s room, there were a couple of things that surprised him. The first was that Alex was still interacting with the doll. He had expected that he would have put her aside the moment he left, but there she was on the bed with Alex. The second thing that surprised him were the clothes. The doll was wearing what looked like England training shorts, a self-made shirt (was that Alex’s scarf?) and a cap. What didn't surprise him was the huge mess on the floor.

“Looks like you had a great time,” James said, getting closer to the doll, avoiding stepping on Alex's stuff on the carpet. “What is she wearing?” He picked up the doll and held it in front of her. The scarf had been made into a little shirt and the shorts had been readjusted so it would fit her. “You can sow?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Alex just shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah. My grandma taught me when I was younger. She said it kept me quiet and out of trouble.”

Alex had done a decent job with the scarf and the shorts and James had to admit that the clothes looked really nice. “Wow. It looks nice.” He put the doll down again. “Sorry I walked off like that,” he said, now looking at Alex. He hadn’t planned leaving Alex on his own with the doll, but he was just _so pissed_ at him.

“I get it. I was a jerk,” Alex admitted, picking a piece of thread off the bed sheet. “I’ll kill you if you every tell anyone, but I actually had fun looking after her tonight.”

“Good to know. You can look after her more often then,” James replied, dropping himself on his own bed. He would never have imagined Alex enjoying spending time with the doll on his own.

“Don’t get any ideas.” Alex threw a pillow at James’ head. “I prefer doing other stuff.” There was no way he was going to give up FIFA nights for the stupid doll. _No way_. He picked up the pillow the doll was resting on and brought it to the table. He took off the cap from her head and smiled down when he saw she was sleeping. “Sweet dreams, little girl.”

“Look at you, _daddy_ Alex.” James grinned, launching the pillow back at Alex.

Alex turned around and glared at his friend. “Piss off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of this series. Thank you all for reading and commenting <3


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